Femineity

I had a chat with a friend tonight about girls. I said that I'm more like a man than a girl and he agreed. He also agreed that it's gonna hard for me to find a man to love me. sigh

I am really upset about this. I keep thinking about although I was watching some movies all night long. Am I really that bad?

Okay, I am not pretty and I am not skinny, but I do think I've a feminine mind. I can't let myself to show my femineity to all the people I met, at least I never show to new friends, never... I feel disgusting when I behave like a total female in front of strangers and especially in front of other female. I just don't like that.

Even for close male friends, I still behave differently to each of them. It all depends on how they treat me. If they treat me as a girl, I'll be a girl. If they treat me as a guy, like always say "hey man" to me.. then I guess it's no way for me to be a girl.

But maybe if you ask my ex, he will tell you how feminine I could be. I guess he's the only one who had ever seen that side of me. When I was with him, I was totally different. I just cannot do something similar to the people that I'm not close to.

My brother also commented me about this before. He knows that I can be a very feminine girl but just that I don't open up myself to others. He knows because he saw my weak times.. he knows that I always need protection, just like other girls.

He is right. Ever since I broke up with my ex, I never open up myself. I'm kind of self-monitoring my behavior.. I don't want to get into any relationships.

It's kinda sad when I heard this friend's comment tonight. I thought he understands me, but he doesn't.

And it's also kinda hurt. Seems to me that all his comments on me so far were all negative.. I think I'm really a low quality female friend of his.

Anyway...