Wanna give up again

I'm very tired.
Tired of everything.
Tired of my life.

How many times do I need to go over this?

When can I finally give up?

I love my job.

I love my job.
I really enjoy working with this organization.
I love my work, I love my boss, I love my colleagues.

I don't feel bad even I have to work from 9am - 8pm almost every day.
I don't feel bad even when I know I will have to work from 5/5 to 16/5 without any day off.
I don't feel bad even I usually just have time to go to toilet once during my working hours.

But....
I know I cannot stay here for very long.
I know I will leave soon... and I know people will be happy for me..

But I am still not very clear..
if I should take a job that I love, or a job that gives me more $ ?

When can I have my own life?
Never.

生人霸死地 (Revised)

Very recently two of my friends broke up.
They had been together for 6 whole years.
I witnessed how they knew each other, how he fell for her, how he won her heart, how much they loved each other.. and how things gone worse...

She broke up with him one day, and he never expected that (well.. I would say men are usually too insensitive, even I was far away from them, I could sense that way before this happened)
One thing I didn't expect is, she has a new boyfriend soon after they broke up.
She told me that the new guy has been waiting for her for more than one year (or 2? I forgot already, not important)

He was totally lost, of course.
But one thing I think the girl did very good is that she gave him time to calm down and let go. She didn't ask "Can we be friends?"

I hate hypocrites. If you don't love him anymore, leave him alone.
If you found someone so much better than him, leave him alone, don't ask him to do this and do that for you anymore.

You thank him for helping you on your blog post, and in the next paragraph you wrote how sweet you are now with your new boyfriend. WTF is that? You must know he loved you or still loving you.

You said you will always be there for him, you will always be his friend. But you are hugging and kissing someone else at the same time. I will say "Shut the F. up and leave me alone" I were the guy.

Seriously, as a girl, I somehow understand the motive behind this. Of course it will be a perfect world to have 2 guys loving me at the same time and I am not cheating on anyone. But sorry if you are such kind of girl, I despise you. And I can surely tell that you'd never loved that guy before.

Or.. maybe just a new kind of "friendship" that I will never understand.

That's why I like what my girl friend did to her ex-bf, even though I didn't want them to break up. He is super depressed now but he still has us. I know one day he will let go as long as he doesn't get hurt from her anymore.

If this post is offending anyone, I won't be sorry coz I am just writing what I think.

Wat da Hell

Christmas is coming soon.
I'm not a Christian, I don't celebrate Christmas.
The only thing I like about Christmas is the Christmas songs.

This year, I highly recommend this song to Hong Kong Chinese, especially to the Hong Kong Government. The lyric of the song is nothing about Christmas actually.

In fact this is a theme song of the radio drama Wat da Hell <大野叔叔拆你屋> by Commercial Radio 2. The aim of the radio drama is to satirize the fact that the government is trying to take apart all the historical buildings. The lyric of the theme songs is very simple yet able to express the feelings of the majority of the public. I love it very much!

However, I am only able to find the DJ version now, will try to find the plain version later on.



主題曲：《大野叔叔拆你屋》
主唱：王菀之／夢特嬌．全／黃貫中(Ad-lib：滴滴仔／大野先生)

拆左你未　拆左我未　好彩未　快到期
大笨鐘聽朝變左"達"地
就像一起身冇左個鼻
要嚇死或笑死

（滴滴仔：大野先生。
大野：唔？
滴滴仔：係咪夠鐘拆大笨鐘啦？
大野：未住，仲有成秒鐘。
滴滴仔：吓？）

拆左你未　拆左我未　好彩未　快到期
大笨鐘聽朝變左"達"地
就像一起身冇左個鼻
要嚇死或笑死
一棵淚水"冼"落o黎
good bye the old good days

My children

My secondary school friend blogs about her wish of being a mother.
I guess it is true that once a woman reached a certain age, she will have a desire to give birth to a child. It doesn't matter if she is still single or not, she just want to have a baby. I think there must be some DNA controlling that.

I always want to have my own children. In the past when I was still suffering from depression, I was almost afraid of everything: getting on a plane, giving birth, being in a lift... etc. Now I'm a lot better, and the desire of having my own children is growing and growing. Not to mention the fact that my old friends are all getting married and having their lovely babies already!!

However, the more I want to have baby, the more I think it is impossible. Let's assume that I have no problem finding a man to "make" the baby with me first. But what kind of life do I want to give to my children?

Look at the kids in Hong Kong. They have to start learning even when they are still in their mom's tummy. Their parents play music to them, talk to them without even meeting them. Once they reach the world, they can never stop studying. There are tons of "learning materials for babies" available in the market. Super expensive but parents buy them without hesitation. Babies have to learn many languages BEFORE they can say their first word.

Parents start planning for the admission for kindergarten, primary school and secondary school when the kids are still 2 years old. Families have to move to the districts with high quality schools. Besides normal studying, children NEED to learn piano, dancing, drawing... etc. So that they will have a nice portfolio to show when they apply for secondary school.

Do I want my children to have this kind of life??? Definitely NOT. I just want them to be happy.

But if I choose to have baby in Hong Kong, I'd probably do the same things as the other parents do, maybe not that extreme, but if I do nothing, my kids will be "left behind" from other kids of the same age.. and they will suffer in the future.

This is terrible. You think this is why we have the lowest birth rate? Not really. The main reason for the low birth rate is the expenses of raising a child in Hong Kong plus all other living costs for your own. A child is a luxury product to consume.

I can't afford raising a child in Hong Kong and I definitely do not want them to grow up in such pressure environment. So if I still have a chance to have my own children, I will never raise them in Hong Kong. In fact, even I don't have children, I won't stay in HK for long. I will go when everything is ready.

Looking forward to..

"Looking forward to something"...
This might be a very usual feeling of yours.
But definitely not me.

For people who suffer from depression,
we don't have this concept of "looking forward to xxx"
as in our mind, the future is darkness.
Sometimes it's already good enough that we actually made ourselves to stay alive today.
I guess most of you would not understand what I mean.

But this "weird" feeling is in my mind right now.
Yes, I'm looking forward to something right now.

I'm looking forward to seeing my lovely cats again next month.
I'm looking forward to welcoming my friends' new baby to this world.
I'm looking forward to solving my family problems.
And I'm looking forward to moving to my dream place, doing what I want to do.

I remember my ex-bf always forced me to make wishes on my birthdays, on new years...etc
He was so right that I never had wishes before, because I always feel hopeless.
Finally I'm changed. I think he will be happy for me.

I won't guarantee that I can keep this bright feeling for long,
but at least I feel it now, which I never ever felt before.

And that's why I'm writing this down.

The world is going crazy

In the world news today, we can see how people in this world have lost their mind..
In Tokyo, somebody modified the DNA of a mouse so that he has no fear of cats.
In Finland, a student shot 8 people in his school and killed himself. He even uploaded video on youtube before he went to kill people. The video was viewed 200 thousands times, but no one was alerted.
In New York, a restaurant is selling a cup of haute chocolate for US$25000. And there ARE people actually buying it.
Back in Tokyo, husbands yell "I love you" on the street to their wives, saying that they are too SHY to say it directly to them.

What are we doing in this world??
Are people really happy living in this world?
Am I the only one who think these are all weird things?
I seriously think that I neve belong to this world.

What is a personal blog for?

I've been thinking these days why I've been writing this blog. What is a blog for? Am I writing for myself? Am I writing for my friends? Am I writing for everyone in the world?

People used to write diaries, and it was a very personal thing. Blog somehow does the same function as diary, people record their daily life on their blogs. However, blog is public, and people tend to invite their friends to visit their blogs.

I used to have no problem at all sharing my thoughts on the internet. I used to write everything I wanna write here and I'm prepared to let anyone know what I think and what I did. But thing has changed recently.

I have something in particular I really want to write. I really want to keep track of my feelings these days. But I cannot write it here. I cannot write anywhere on the internet. I don't even think I should buy a diary and write it down. But I really want to keep all these memories.

Is this my blog? What can't I write anything I want to? I can't tell anyone about this. Maybe I can just keep it in my mind.

How can we break them?

How can we break all the barriers?
How can I tell who is you and who is not?
How can we get rid of all those troubles?
How many more do we need to get through?
Are you sure we can make it?
Are you sure you wanna make it?
How long do we need to wait?
Will it be forever?

Can anybody answer these questions?

It would be nice

It would be so nice..
if love is just love..
there's no need to worry about future..
there's no need to worry about others..
there's no need to worry about differences..

It would be so nice..
if we could stay in this ideal world..

But I wonder how long can we stay?
or.. how long are we WILLING to stay?

Taking pics while travelling

People travel because of various reasons, some may go for relax and leisure, others may go for experiencing different cultures. People like me, a photography lover, may also travel to take good pictures.

It doesn't create any problem if photographers go travelling and take pictures of landscapes, buildings, natures.. etc. But more and more photographers like to capture the 'real culture' of the places they travel.. so they like to shoot people's daily life.

To be honest, I do have a desire to take those kind of pictures as well, especially when I saw others' great pictures! However, I do think we need to give certain respect to the people there as well.

This time I went to Laos, one of the famous shooting scene is the morning alms in dawn at Luang Prabang, where you can see monks lining up and ladies giving alms to them. I did plan to go and take pictures at first. But after I read someone's blog, I changed my mind. That person went to see and tried to take pictures of monks lining up.. and one of the monks actually walked out of the camera...

Other things I read from guide books and internet is that in Laos, ladies are not supposed to touch monks, and even when we speak to them, we have to lower our heads.. and tourists never do that, especially when they wanna take photos!

The whole morning alms session is not made for tourists.. it's Laos traditions and it's their daily life. I see no point for us to disturb them. So I decided not to go at all. It's part of their life, not a performance to us.

After I uploaded my pictures on my album, I posted a few of them on an online forum. Of course I didn't get good comments, I guess because I don't have good skills and I don't have good close-ups..

At the same day of my postings, another member posted his serious of pictures taken in Laos. His pictures were great. Lots of good comments. But as I can imagine, lots of them are taken very closed to the locals.

Just imagine... suddenly people from other parts of the world feel interested in the ways of your daily life.. and they started to come to you.. and everyday you've got giant cameras, long lens focusing you.. how would you feel??

Yes, we go to their places, we spend money and they benefit from that. But it doesn't mean that we own that place! Can we give more respect to them?

I really wish they can have their own life back.

定律

瘦田無人耕，耕開有人爭？

marriage

Something came up to my mind just now.. really wanna write it despite the fact that I've a 2000 word essay waiting for me..

Have been busy with school work and other social activities this semester, didn't have much chance to do some serious writings. I feel really bad about that. Although I managed to get myself started with this English blog, this is very casual writing and its nothing compare to what I used to write in Chinese. And I did have things in mind that I wanna write, just that I couldn't sit still and write anymore... sigh

Anyway.. just now I suddenly remember something I talked with mom last week and wanna write something about it.

She asked me about the new friends that I met here in Singapore outside university. She asked about their age and what they do for living. Actually I'm not quite sure.. =P I never ask my friends this kind of questions. All I could tell her is that some of them are about my age, some are slightly older.. but something special to me is that, seems that they are all married.

Before meeting this group of friends, I've already met some local university students who get married once they graduate. From my observations, Singaporeans tend to get married quite early. hmm.. well.. I should not say "quite early" actually, I do think that they marry in a more appropriate time than Hong Kong people. People in Hong Kong now seems to get married in their later stage of life (i.e. after 35). I guess the main reason is money. In Hong Kong, it's really hard for one to get a flat to start a family, and it's also not very feasible to stay with your parents-in-law because the flats are so small.

The funny thing is.. I am planning to stay in Singapore for several years.. and when I told mom about Singaporeans' get marry in their 20s.. her response was 'Then will it be very hard for you to find a husband?'

hahaa..

afterall.. she's still hoping that I'll be able to get one!
sorry mom, I always try my best to do what you want me to do..
but this time.. I guess it's not something I can control already..
I guess I just meant to be alone.
I'm starting to accept the fact, and getting ready for it.
I hope that you won't be forcing me this time..
cos I just cannot force someone to marry me if nobody love me. =P
and I really wish that you are not the one who give me pressure on this.
Ask me to do something else....
you know I will do anything you want me to as long as I can do it.

even grandma also said that girls can live without guys (although I never agree =P)
you still have two other daugthers.. I'm sure they can do that..
it's too late for me already..
let me do something else for you, okay? =)

take good care

I'm so sorry to hear the news from you.
I'm so sorry that I don't know what I can help.
Please take good care of yourself and your family.
Bless you.

"friends"

Was doing my readings for Intercultural Communication and felt a bit shocked when I read something about "friend" from an article.

Being exposed to different cultures for these years, I do understand that people from different cultures see things in very different ways. And I always agree that "words have no meanings, people do". That means a particular word may have very different meanings to different individuals, or if that individual doesn't speak that language, that word will have no meaning to him/her at all. This is what makes communication and especially intercultural communication so complicated.

All these years overseas, I've been observing how people from different cultures behave differently. How do they communicate, how do they greet, how do they organise projects, how do they treat their lovers, how to they behave in class, how to they chat in public, how do they queue in lines... etc.. However, I've never thought about how they view "friendship" differently.

Until I read this tonight:

American friendship differs from that found in many parts of the world, where an individual may have few friends but is likely to have a total, rather than a selective, commitment to them. Individuals may be disinclined to share friends with other friends, since both the quality of friendship and the number of friends are considered limited and hence not to be squandered.
*quoted from Cultural Assumptions and Values by Edward C. Stewart, Jack Danielian, & Robert J. Foster

I always try to be objective when I encounter people from other culture. But after I read this, I feel that I'm still assuming lots of my own values as others' value. This is very dangerous.

As for friendships, in my culture, we have limited friends and we do have total commitment to them (at least I do). I always assume that all others have the same value! And when my foriegn friends told me he/she "value our friendship", I do take it quite seriously. But now I may have to re-value what they said again.

Lucky enough though, as I am from a culture that will only make limited number of friends, I've only made very very few friends during these years overseas.

But let me clarify, when I say "friend" here, I do mean "good friends" that you can share your feelings with, not those you just say hi and bye everytime you meet. I do have lots of those type of friends. =P

But yet, I'm pretty sad after realising this. Now I'm not quite sure about the "friendship" with some particular friends. Even if a particular friend told me that he/she "value our friendship", how can I know what is the definition of "value" in his/her mind? We might have a totally different view on just this simple sentence.

Am I thinking too much again?

I am never an expert on this!!

Come on!! You people know that I am a loser in relationships! You know that I only had 2 relationships before and they all ended already. I am a total loser in this field. Can you please don't ask me any more opinions on your so-complicated, so-troublesome problems?

Can you try to ask someone who are more experienced to help you? I've never had more than one guys for me to choose from at any time in my life. Stop comparing the good things of the 2 guys in front of me and ask me to choose for you.

In fact, if you and I were not in such a special relationship and/or if you were not in such a special condition, I don't think I'll still be talking to you. Especially after all those many things happened to me recently.

So please, leave me alone. I've got no time to play with your game.

10 reasons I chose Singapore for exchange

Ever since I've came to Singapore for exchange since Janurary this year, I'm always questioned by my friends for the reasons why I chose Singapore for my exchange but not other countries like the States or Europe.

My friends in Australia never ask me question like this. In fact they are quite excited with my choice, although the common places for exchange are still those Western countries. On the other hand, the local students in Singapore seems never understand why a person like me would chose to stay in Singapore for a year.

I truly understand their doubts. I grew up in Hong Kong, a place where perceived to be very similar to Singapore. Why should I come to Singapore to experience the same culture and same lifestyle? Besides, people in Asian countries, especially the younger generation, do have a feeling that life in Western countries is somehow better than here and we should at least find some ways to experience it.

Then why would I come to Singapore?

1. Before I give you my reasons, maybe you can stop for a second and think why should I NOT come to Singapore?

2. I do not think that Singapore is very similar to Hong Kong. In fact they are quite different in terms of culture. And I think that every single place has its own unique culture for us to explore.

3. I've been staying in a Westernised country, Australia for more than 2 years before I came to Singapore. I've also stayed another 1 year in Sydney several years ago. Although Australia is not located in the West....

4. Singapore gives me a gateway to explore the Southeast Asian cutlure, which is far more interesting than the Western culture and also something going to dissappear in near future.

5. Language is a barrier to me. If I can speak more languages, I would be going to places like Vietnam, Thailand, Cambodia, Malaysia...instead.

6. I can't afford going to Europe / the States even if I want to.

7. The university I'm going to study here is not my 1st concern as I'm still graduating as an ANU student. And the experience is far more important for me than the name of the uni.

8. Compare to Australia, I saved some living costs for my parents by chosing to study in Singapore.

9. Somehow, I think I'm meant to be here to meet someone... then get hurt.

10. This is my choice. I want to do it. Don't judge me.

Is that enough?

no longer my dream..

let me cry
let me sad
let me mad
for as long as I want

who cares anyway...?

a new story plot

an ending to me
is usually a time for me to start my writing again
didn't have time to write seriously recently..
and I guess, I've got a fantastic plot to start with now..
with my over dramatic imagination, it will be a nice piece of writing.
hopefully my readers will like it..
but when can I finish writing it?
how many times will I cry until I finish the whole story?
no one knows.
ha! yes.. No one knows!

changes

things are never unchanged..
I know and I understand..
but..
can the good things stay with me a bit longer?